


You Bloody Maleficar

by TheAwkwardPinCushion



Series: Shiva Hawke [1]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Blood Magic, Depression, Maleficar, Maleficarum, Multi, and i like to make myself cry, i think the reason i do this is because i hate myself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-02 10:08:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2808593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAwkwardPinCushion/pseuds/TheAwkwardPinCushion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blood mage!Depressive!Hawke and her adventures.<br/>Rated mature for future bad things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Anders Catches Shiva Practicing Blood Magic

**Author's Note:**

> I've been really depressed lately (that's probably why I haven't been writing like I usually do), and I always find that putting my feelings in a character makes them feel more valid, and eventually helps the healing process.

 “You bloody _maleficar,_ ” Anders growled. He approached Hawke, who just stood there, prepared to take any punishment Anders had decided for her. He looked like he was going to hit her, but his eyes softened, wet but still angry. “I _trusted_ you.”

“I didn't do it to spite you, you fucking self-centered _bastard_ ,” she snarled. The pair had never  _loved_ each other, but she had never talked to Anders like that.

“Then why did you do it?!” Anders' voice was starting to reverberate off the cave's gray walls.

“Because I want to fucking _die!_ ”

Varric, Isabella, and Anders all looked at Hawke. “Don't look at me like you didn't know. I haven't been watching my own ass, and I've been healing you all before I do myself. That's not just because I'm a selfless leader. I want to fuck up so bad that I don't make it back.”

“Hawke...” Anders began.

“Don't.” Hawke pushed him away and stalked back to her estate. Alone.

* * *

 

It was days before anyone but Varric saw or heard anything from Hawke. He checked on her every morning and evening, brought her food, made sure she was eating it, et cetera.

“They miss you,” he said softly, putting a plate of food in front of her. “Daisy's been asking if she can come see you. She wants to make it better.”

“Tell her to come. I don't care.”

“Yes you do,” Varric said, having to put the fork in her hand before she even noticed the food. “You care. Want to know how I know?”

“How, oh all-knowing one?” Her voice was filled with spite and venom. It didn't hurt, though. Varric knew that she was hurting and she needed to be angry to make herself feel safe.

“Because you got so angry at Blondie. If you didn't care, you would have told him to fuck off and went of your merry way. But, you _did_ care. And I think you still do. That's why you're eating and continuing to survive, even if it isn't much of living,” he explained softly, wiping a bit of mashed potato off the corner of her mouth.

“I want to die, Varric,” Hawke said, her voice tight and hoarse.

“I know, kid. I know,” the dwarf said, handing her a glass of water. “But you can't do that yet – you have bandits to kill and lives to save.”

“You're all capable of doing that without me.”

“But it'd be a hell of a lot more boring.”

“I don't care.”

“Yes, you do.”

Hawke drank her water and let the glass fall to the floor, thankfully not breaking. “No, I really don't.”


	2. The Hanged Man

 Shiva didn't _want_ to eat. She didn't want to get out of bed. She didn't want to _exist._ Damn Varric and his insistence.

“You don't have to do this, Varric,” she said, taking the plate of eggs out of his hands.

“If I don't, I'm scared that you won't eat,” he replied, “And besides, it's no burden. Gives me a reason to get off my lazy ass.”

Hawke poked at her food, not really wanting to eat it. She cut the eggs into even smaller pieces and made it look like she had eaten. Maybe that would fool him. “I would eat if I got hungry.”

“That's a lie and we both know it, kid.” _Damn._

“When is Merrill coming to fix me?” Hawke chuckled. She liked the thought of the peppy little elf trying to drag her out of bed.

“This evening. She's coming instead of me. The Guild is going to have my head on a pike if I don't attend this meeting.”

“I look forward to it, then.”

 

* * *

 

 

“She's been talking more,” Varric said at the group's table at the Hanged Man. “She used to just lay in her bed and pretend I wasn't there. This is progress.”

“If I hadn't pushed so hard...if I hadn't yelled. Fuck, Maker take me.” Anders put his forehead on the table.

“There was no way you could have known, Blondie. She...she surprised us all with that,” Varric said, patting the mage's shoulder.

“I still shouldn't have yelled at her...I wanted to _hit_ her, Varric! I wanted to _hurt_ her.”

“Pull yourself together, abomination,” Fenris growled, “your wallowing is bringing everyone else down.”

Anders looked up and _glared._ “Shut your bloody mouth. If you hadn't left her right after you fucking bedded her, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess.”

“So now it's _my_ fault?” the elf snarled.

“Maybe it always _has_ been your fault!” Anders yelled. They were starting to draw attention.

“You were just blaming yourself!”

“Because I fucking love her and it _kills_ me to see her like this! Maybe I'm the only one who cares, but she fucking _matters to_ _ **me**_ _._ ”

The entire tavern went quiet. Even the most talkative were silent. The only thing that broke that silence was Anders picking up his coat and storming out of the pub. Fenris sat back down, realizing how badly he ruined things. “It...it isn't your fault, Fenris,” Varric said, “Anders is just scared and angry. We all kind of are.”

“He is right, though,” Fenris said, much too quiet for a voice that rallies allies on the battlefield, “I...did not approach the situation with her like I should have. I very well could have caused this.”

Varric couldn't argue with him. For all he knew, that could have been the beginning of Hawke's depression. He sincerely hoped that wasn't it, though. Fenris would never forgive himself, and he didn't think Anders would, either. All Void would break loose if something happened to her.

“I think...I think I'll go check on her early, if that's okay with you Varric,” Merrill said, more timid than usual. She was terrified of what she was about to walk in on.

“I think that's a great idea, Daisy.”


	3. Please Don't Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merrill's visit

 Merrill knocked on the door, waiting for Bodahn or whoever was to open the door and let her in. When the happy dwarf opened the door, she smiled at him for a moment and thanked him. She never shook so much in her life.

Shiva was asleep in her bed, arms covered with bandages. Even in sleep, she looked troubled.

Merrill debated whether to wake her to make her aware of her presence or not. After thinking on it, she decided to not. She sat on the edge of Hawke's bed and ran her fingers through her dark hair, humming a Dalish lullaby.

Hawke slowly woke, blue eyes finding Merrill's quickly. “You're early,” she yawned.

“I was worried about you,” the little elf explained, “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Oh, love,” Hawke sighed, “I haven't been okay for a very, _very_ long time.”

Merrill's ears drooped, and she averted her eyes. “I'm sorry.”

“Merrill,” Hawke said sternly, “this is _not_ your fault.”

She didn't look convinced.

Hawke sat up and winced as the bandages on her arms shifted. _Dammit Varric. You made them too damn tight._

She put her hand on the side of Merrill's cheek and made the elf look at her. “This truly is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong, and if anything, you've made some things _better._ I will forever be grateful for that.” She brushed a stray strand of hair out of Merrill's face. “Promise me that even when I'm gone, you won't blame yourself for this...this _sickness_ that I have.” _That sounded too much like a goodbye,_ Merrill thought.

Merrill's eyes stung. Seeing Shiva like this _hurt._ “Please don't leave,” she choked out. Her lip quivered for a moment, and then she was curled up in Hawke's scarred arms, sobbing into her finery. She repeated her plea like a chant.

Hawke rubbed her back, shushing her quietly and kissing the top of her head. “It'll be okay,” she said quietly. She rocked back and forth, trying to soothe the girl. “I promise it'll be okay.”

“It _won't_ be okay if you're gone,” Merrill said between sobs. Her entire body shook with the intensity of her crying. “Oh, Creators, I'll be so lonely if you go...”

Hawke didn't know what to say to that. She didn't want to lie and promise that she would stay, because even she didn't know that for sure. She didn't know how to further comfort the smaller woman. It just...slipped out, “I love you, Merrill.”

It didn't help. It made it worse. Merrill just clutched Hawke's abdomen harder and more desperately. “Then _don't go._ ”

“I'll try,” Hawke said, trying her best to comfort her, “I promise that I will _try._ ”

Merrill continued to sob until she eventually became too exhausted. She fell asleep in Hawke's arms.

_Oh, Maker...what have I done to this poor girl?_


	4. Fuck Off, Anders.

Merrill left while Hawke was asleep. Bodahn smiled at her as she walked out the door, but the returning smile Merrill gave him was only for show. She was  _miserable._  She sulked to her little house in the Ailenage. She curled up on her bed and went back to sleep. She didn't want to do anything that day.

* * *

 

It was pouring outside. There was thunder and everything. Things were surprisingly slow at Anders' clinic. He paced the floor, running his fingers through his already-messy hair. "I fucked up so bad."

Hawke was so mad at him. He was so fucking  _horrible_ to her. _I should go see her,_ he thought,  _apologize maybe..._

He grabbed his coat, closed his doors, and made his way to Hightown. 

 _Andraste's tits,_ Anders thought to himself,  _I hate rain._

* * *

Hawke was curled up under her blankets. She was petting Peaches the mabari and all seemed right in the world in that moment. 

"Excuse me, Messere," Bodahn said, shuffling his feet, "Anders is here to see you."

Everything was no longer right in the world.

"Let him in," Hawke sighed. She decided that he was at least worth  _hearing out._ Even if he wasn't worth anything else. 

Anders walked in slowly, looking at his feet. "I...I wanted to apologize." His hair  was soaked and sticking to his face, and the feathers on his coat were weighed down by water. "I was really horrible to you in that cave, and you didn't deserve it." He looked up at her through his eyelashes.

"So you'll apologize to me, but not Merrill?" Hawke asked, folding her arms and arching her eyebrow, "She's worth apologizing to. She has done nothing but help you, and all you do is try to make her feel bad about her choices. That's not okay, Anders."

His face was pink. "I-"

"Just because you don't want to fuck her doesn't mean you shouldn't treat her with the same decency you treat me with."

"Hawke-"

"Don't try to justify it. You _bu_ _lly_ her. How do you know it isn't affecting her? Do you even  _care?"_ Hawke looked at him with such disgust and hatred in her eyes. She was  _done_ with his shit. "Go apologize to her and then I'll think about considering this bullshit apology sincere." _  
_

Anders couldn't find words to say. He stood there, red in the face and his mouth gaping open.

"Get out," Hawke said. Peaches's ears perked up, hearing the venom in her voice.

"But-"

"OUT!"

Peaches growled and bared his teeth. "You have to the count of five to be out of my house," Hawke said, letting Peaches off the bed. "One."

Anders glared. "You wouldn't."

"Two."

"Just listen-!"

" _Three_."

"Come on, I just-"

"Four."

"Just-"

"Hawke-"

"Five. Get him."

Peaches lunged at the mage and latched onto his arm. Anders tried to jerk away, but the dog was too heavy. He could feel his teeth sink into the skin.

"Peaches, good boy. Now off," Hawke said. The dog let go.

"Do you believe me now?" she asked. She completely disregarded the blood that dripped onto her floor.

"You're fucking impossible," Anders glared. He left the estate and slammed the door behind him.

"Come back, baby," Hawke said, patting the bed. Peaches jumped up and curled up next to her. "You're a good boy."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hate it when people write Anders forgiving Hawke if they're a blood mage. It's really out of character and it's uncool as frick.


	5. Coping Mechanisms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haha, yeah. Coping mechanisms that I myself have used. Whoop whoop.

Shiva was out of bed. It seemed like a miracle. She glowered at everyone around her and it was almost like things were back to normal. Except the way she looked at Merrill. She smirked darkly and let her eyes linger. It wasn't as unsettling as it should have been. 

"You look like you're going to eat her, Hawke," Anders commented. It was a surprise that she drug him along with her to kill these bandits, but he didn't question it.

"Maybe I am," she purred. 

_It's a coping mechanism,_ Fenris realized.  _She's pretending nothing's wrong. Directing focus elsewhere._

Merrill's ears turned red at the comment. Fenris made a retching sound. 

The grace in which Shiva fought was unnerving. She focused on bringing pain rather than killing. Oh, it eventually happened, but not without many broken bones. She would sometimes fight  _with_ her staff, which she had attached a blade to. Fenris made sure to look over at her to make sure she wasn't being too reckless. Her abandonment of any sense worried him. He couldn't shake the feeling that this was his fault, this sudden deflection of anything but lewd comments and violence. 

She weaved spells so powerful it shook the ground, and it wasn't until after the battle that Fenris noticed that her hand was bleeding.  _Of course._ He was, in a word, disgusted. She didn't care about her own well-being, just that of her companions and the pain she brought whoever she was fighting. With bile rising in his throat, he realized how impressive it was. This is what magic was known for. Destruction and pain and he couldn't believe that he ever thought to be with someone that wielded it. 

After the fights, she walked close to Merrill, smirking and talking to her lowly. A pang of jealousy went through Fenris, which disgusted him at the same time. He shouldn't want her. Not after she resorted to blood magic. Not after she became a maleficar. Still, seeing her so openly say the things she did made him jealous.

_I have no right to be jealous,_ he thought, _I was the one that drove her away._

Would he have stayed after she used that horrid magic? Would it have been worth it to be with her still? He would never know.

He continued walking, disgusted at himself for more than just being impressed with Shiva's skill.

* * *

Anders would occasionally glance at the two women whispering and giggling behind him. He didn't want it to bother him, but it did. It made his blood boil in his veins. Why would she settle for timid, stubborn Merrill? He knew she would never be interested in him, but from the way that Fenris was looking at her, it didn't seem like it would be very hard for her to convince him into her bed again. But either way, he thought she deserved better.

Not only that, but there was Isabella. Shiva had made no secret of the fact that she was attracted to the pirate. He didn't blame her. Isabella had offered, and Shiva didn't turn her down. He wondered briefly if she ever decided to take her up on her offer. Anders shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts. Justice was buzzing in his head, shaming him for thinking of such trivial things.

 He heard a squeak from behind him, and saw Shiva hurry past him, a wicked grin plastered on her face. He looked behind him and saw Merrill, completely perplexed. Justice's shaming got much, much louder.

* * *

Shiva didn't even get past Merrill's front door without attacking her with kisses. She kicked the door closed behind her and slowly led the elf into the bedroom. 

When she got through the doorway, she paused. "I don't want to make you feel obligated to do anything," she said. She closed the awkward, slightly uncomfortable distance between them by trailing feather-light kisses onto Merrill's neck.

"If you want to..."

"Merrill." Shiva looked at her, suddenly serious. "I don't want you to ever feel forced to do anything. If we do this, it's as much about you as it is me." She didn't close the distance this time, but waited.

Merrill's mouth was dry. _As much about me as it is her. That would be new._

"Would you rather not?" Shiva asked, mistaking her surprise as unwillingness. Merrill blinked a few times.

"No. I mean yes. I mean," she was flustered, her eyebrows drawn together in frustration, "I want to."

Shiva's seriousness melted away as she lifted Merrill into the air and carried her to the bed, kissing her all the while. Merrill threaded her fingers into her hair and drew her as close as she could.Her back hit bed and Shiva was looming over her, seeming to envelop her in everything she did. She seemed desperate, but not demanding. She didn't even really let Merrill touch her. 

She kissed from her lips to where her clothes cut off access to her skin. She whined low in her throat and undid the belt around her waist, fingers shaky and seeming to be too thick to maneuver with any sort of grace. Merrill lifted her hips slightly to make things easier for her. 

Merrill refused to look at her arms. 

Shiva was straddling her now, and she pulled her own robes off as quickly as she could. She had the lopsided grin on her face that made things almost seem normal. But, the new scars on her arm, still rather prominent, made it hard to enjoy the process. 

But then she kissed her again, and all seemed right in that moment. It was a good moment, so Merrill let it be.


End file.
